help

i guess its been a rough week. well not rough but busy, with so many things, sleeping late, trying to give hope to others... then i asked myself..' how can i help others, when i myself have so many problems?' how cant i help when i am lost and useless...
sometimes i am a hypocrite, i tell others to not doubt themselves, not to hurt themselves and be true to yourself and God.. and even i still do those things. its so pathetic, so disgraceful, so disgusting and sickening... i look at myself sometimes and i could cry, looking into my eyes and seeing trash, just seeing something that should deserve to die... or either just doubting God and my trust for others... but then, a part of me knows that i shouldnt, something triggers me to say ' cindy dont, dont do it, u know not to, dont do it..'
so i try to smile, and forget it, try to hold back the tears, and eventually i do... but u cant hide, you cant keep on 'being fake' all the time, i know it myself, but i still do it.. i promised someone to not cry, to not be sad.. its so much harder than you think, its so different now, everything seems new..
when u are in distress, when u lose something special, you get hurt (ofcourse).. then you are weak, confused, troubled and alone.. thats what i felt, i felt like i wanted to bury myself in a hole, hide in the shadows, and whenever i thought of myself my heart would die a little more, knowing how disgusting i was...how sickening, foul, trash...
i turned to darkness for a time, but then i dont know what happened, in my heart a spark appeared, then hope started to come in..
maybe it was the words of friends, the knowledge of God, just feeling the love.. who knows.. or myabe that my innersoul, the holy spirt pulled me out of the pain.
and now, i continue to smile, and grow.. learning from everything, but never forgetting them or regretting them.. but once in a while, the old pain comes back, maybe from other situations other sorrow floats in, and i want to cry again...
its surprising, how the smallest things can change ur world, the smallest things they can say, the thankyou's, the iloveyou's.. everything.. the little hugs, the smiles, all of it can change my life, and turn it around. it can turn pain into joy, faster than a lightening bolt.
yes we stumble and trip over the hurdles that we face, but u know, in the end, we still have the spark there, flashing again and again.. we sstill have those around us who love us, still have God right there, have that love that we need.. its just beacsue sometimes we dont see it, or we jsut need reminding, thats all ;D
so i dont know where this blog ended up, maybe im jsut rambling on and on ..
so in conclusion,
we are never alone, even in the darkest times of our lifes. we stumble all the time, fall down most of the time. but just watever happens, never give up hope, dont lose ur faith and trust in God, your friends or family.. and yourself
remeber we all stuff up, but we are forgiven, God loves us for who WE are, loves us no matter what..
<2cindyli